I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
