Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
