I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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