sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
