so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
