I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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