ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
