A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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