so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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