She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
