when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
