My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
