I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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