Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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