pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
