I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
