I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize