it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
