Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
