That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
