literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
