matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Randomize
