i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
