omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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