You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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