I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
