how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
