Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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