i was born a porn star she said
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
