just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
