I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
