you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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