Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
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She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
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Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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