Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i wish my penis had a tongue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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