I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
