Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
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my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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