he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
