I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
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The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
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you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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