So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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