Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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