Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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