Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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