Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
