No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.