I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
