I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
