weddingsv make me drug and hornr
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
