So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
