Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
