i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
