There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
