If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
