i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize