I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
