Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
