Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
