if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
