I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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