Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
