1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
